We Must Ignite This Couch Message Boards

« 1 ... 37 38 39 (40) 41 42 43 »

 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2435
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go?"

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."

Posted on: 7/14/2014 1:00 pm
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2435
Doug is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons,are with him.

So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.

Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.

Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and
as Doug slips away, she says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? .... the ass had a paper route!"

Posted on: 7/14/2014 2:00 pm
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
WMITC
Joined:
8/28/2006 11:40 am
From Parkersburg, WV
Posts: 8699
Q: How many surrealistic artists does it take to change a lightbulb?





A: The chicken.

Posted on: 7/17/2014 2:49 pm
_________________
Same as it ever was.
Open in new window

Ingest Feces Pittsburgh!
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Noob
Joined:
8/12/2011 12:53 pm
Posts: 23
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store late last Friday afternoon with a beautiful much younger lady by his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said: 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

Posted on: 7/23/2014 7:56 pm
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
6/7/2011 4:56 pm
From Originally, Lester WV, now, Richmond, "East" Virginia
Posts: 6505

Posted on: 7/24/2014 7:25 am
_________________
Here's the deal. I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
9/15/2006 8:24 am
From Monrovia MD
Posts: 7700
Three Irishmen are sitting in the window seats of their pub which coincidently has a good view of the door of the brothel across the street. After 3 or 4 Guinness the first irishman notices the Methodist Bishop walk up the sidewalkk, knock three times on the door and is granted entry.

"There's a hypocrit for ye", says the first Irishman. "All that singing and praying, and their Bishop is giving in to the pleasures of the flesh. Hypocrits!"

The othher Irishmen nod agreement and order another round.
Afeew beers more and the second Irishman notices the local Rabbi walk up the sidewalk, knock three times and enter the cathouse.

"Well, will ye look at that?" he sneers. " All that bowing and praying and them silly little hats, there he walks into such a sinful establishment. Shocking!"

"Aye, aye", the other gentleman say, and order another round or three.

The third Irishman notices the Archbishop of Dublin walk up the sidewalk, knock three times and enter the whorehouse.

" Ain't that sad, "he mutters. "One of the girls must have died."

Posted on: 7/25/2014 6:57 am
_________________
Wrestling! Hard? It's supposed to be hard. It's the hard that makes it GREAT!
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
1/17/2008 7:05 pm
From Pruntytown, WV
Posts: 6443

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Posted on: 7/29/2014 4:06 pm
_________________












"I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy."
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2435

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Moosehead. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him a Keith’s, he didn't like it, so I drank it....
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Posted on: 8/4/2014 7:37 am
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2435
So I went to confession on Saturday evening before Mass and started with the usual… “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 4 weeks since my last confession. Last night, I beat the crap out of an Obama supporter."

The Priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”

Posted on: 8/4/2014 9:43 am
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2435
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, Fla., exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying: "Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one."

The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true. The voice boomed out again: "Take another practice swing."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited ... A long silence followed ...

Then the voice again: "OK, use the old ball."

Posted on: 8/13/2014 2:31 pm
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2435
I ride past a church during my work commute and they've started to put up some clever comments on their outside sign:

Baptism: the original ice bucket challenge

and today's:

Then Satan said to Math "Put letters into formulas and call it Algebra."

Posted on: 9/3/2014 6:44 am
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/12/2012 9:00 pm
From Killadelphia
Posts: 2036
Did you hear about the firefly that flew into the ceiling fan? He was delighted.

Posted on: 9/3/2014 9:45 pm
_________________
Now if you'll excuse me I have to go post some more Death Metal in the song title game.
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Grant Ave. Warrior
Joined:
9/19/2008 10:17 am
From Ecuador, 2 Degrees South
Posts: 1195

A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.


As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.


"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"

"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'."

Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.

"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"

"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'." The bartender held his tongue -- the guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.

Then, the piano man rose, excused himself, and shuffled off to use the restroom.

While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."

Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"

"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"

Posted on: 9/16/2014 3:18 pm
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2435
Veet for Men

Veet for Men

Posted on: 9/22/2014 12:23 pm
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
WMITC
Joined:
8/28/2006 11:40 am
From Parkersburg, WV
Posts: 8699
When I got divorced, my mother reminded me that a wife should be a whore in the bedroom, a lady in the living room and a chef in the kitchen. I told her my wife was pretty close, she was a whore in the bedroom, a whore in the living room and a whore in the kitchen.

Posted on: 10/31/2014 12:35 am
_________________
Same as it ever was.
Open in new window

Ingest Feces Pittsburgh!
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
WMITC
Joined:
1/6/2008 1:03 pm
From Here
Posts: 23401
Son: Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad: Hmm ... you are my son, and of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son, and that is confidential.

Posted on: 10/31/2014 7:59 am
_________________
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize that half the people are even stupider than that." -- George Carlin
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
WMITC
Joined:
1/6/2008 1:03 pm
From Here
Posts: 23401
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to,"
she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom, and I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "You might as well eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's house for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

Posted on: 10/31/2014 8:10 am
_________________
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize that half the people are even stupider than that." -- George Carlin
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
9/15/2006 8:24 am
From Monrovia MD
Posts: 7700
A man went to Las Vegas, met a gorgeous Blonde and , after a night of drinking and dancing, ended up at a quicky marriage store, got married and got a room. They are in bed together for the first time and the guy says, "There's something I should have told you, honey. I'm a golfer."

"That's fine", she says.

"No, I mean I rarely think about anything else. I play golf, practice golf, read golf magazines, watch all the pro tours on TV and watch instructional videos. I have a driving screen and a putting green in the back yard."

"That's harmless." she said. "But there's something I haven't told you. I'm a hooker."

"That's no problem." he said. "Just point your thumbs down the center of the shaft, press your right hand slightly over the top, and make sure the thumb and forefinger vees point to your left shoulder."

Posted on: 10/31/2014 2:17 pm
_________________
Wrestling! Hard? It's supposed to be hard. It's the hard that makes it GREAT!
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
1/18/2008 2:39 pm
Posts: 8385
What is 10, 9, 8, 7, 6.....



Bo Derek getting older

Posted on: 11/20/2014 2:43 pm
_________________
Beati pacifici
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 


 
Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2435
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our
heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body."
said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

" Tell me .." added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this?"

Posted on: 12/1/2014 9:58 am
Transfer the post to other applications Transfer
 



« 1 ... 37 38 39 (40) 41 42 43 »




Login
Username:

Password:

remember me





Copyright © 2004-2011 wemustignitethiscouch.com All Rights Reserved