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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
1/17/2008 7:05 pm
From Pruntytown, WV
Posts: 6490
Quote:

juvi1624 wrote:
Well that's why its the "lame joke" thread.


Open in new window

Posted on: 7/15/2015 2:02 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
9/7/2008 9:59 am
From Athens GA
Posts: 1679
Quote:

WVUinSouthCar wrote:
I'm waiting....why do mice have small balls? (And were you the one to check?)


Not many of them can dance.

Posted on: 7/15/2015 3:36 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
1/17/2008 7:05 pm
From Pruntytown, WV
Posts: 6490
Bump.
This was a few pages back and it remains my favorite joke here.
I told it to my very personable 75 year old paper"boy". He got the biggest kick out of it. A few weeks later he told me he told the joke to the boys down on the newspaper dock and they roared. I'm sure the joke worked it's way all through the news company buildings. (I told my attorney too when he just finished up a regular updating of my will.)

Quote:

wooddash wrote:
Doug is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons,are with him.

So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.

Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.

Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and
as Doug slips away, she says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? .... the ass had a paper route!"

Posted on: 7/15/2015 4:34 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
4/23/2008 5:30 pm
From formerly Fairmont, WV
Posts: 1227
A skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says,"what'lya have?"
Skeleton says,"a beer and a mop"

Posted on: 8/20/2015 3:40 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/12/2012 9:00 pm
From Killadelphia
Posts: 2036
These are from a Reddit thing they did. It is supposed to be the 20 most profound thoughts people have came up with while taking a shower. I thought 13 and 15 were quite hilarious.

1. The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

2. The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.

3. Instead of all the prequel and sequel movies coming out, they should start making “equels” - films shot in the same time period as the original film, but from an entirely different perspective.

4. X88B88 looks like the word "voodoo" reflecting off of itself.

5. April Fools Day is the one day of the year that people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true.

6. Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can remember WTF I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their site.

7. Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again.

8. I used hola unblocker to watch Argo on the Canadian Netflix. I was an American who had to pretend to be Canadian to watch a movie about Americans who have to pretend to be Canadians making a movie.

9. Maybe 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' isn't a show that displays how stupid grown adults can be, but rather, a show that depicts how much useless information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable later in life.

10. Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid.

11. When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not used, is DEN-MARK.

12. "Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"

13. In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains containing the last moments of people's lives.

14. We should have a holiday called Space Day, where lights are to be shut off for at least an hour at night to reduce light pollution, so we can see the galaxy.

15. Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

16. Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change.

17. I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the intention of scrolling halfway down the page

18. Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating.

19. Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don’t know what either of those things are.

20. The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was literally a grammar Nazi.

Posted on: 10/1/2015 11:04 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2457
Quote:

juvi1624 wrote:
These are from a Reddit thing they did. It is supposed to be the 20 most profound thoughts people have came up with while taking a shower. I thought 13 and 15 were quite hilarious.

1. The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.

2. The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.

3. Instead of all the prequel and sequel movies coming out, they should start making “equels” - films shot in the same time period as the original film, but from an entirely different perspective.

4. X88B88 looks like the word "voodoo" reflecting off of itself.

5. April Fools Day is the one day of the year that people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true.

6. Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can remember WTF I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their site.

7. Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again.

8. I used hola unblocker to watch Argo on the Canadian Netflix. I was an American who had to pretend to be Canadian to watch a movie about Americans who have to pretend to be Canadians making a movie.

9. Maybe 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' isn't a show that displays how stupid grown adults can be, but rather, a show that depicts how much useless information we teach grade schoolers that won't be retained or applicable later in life.

10. Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid.

11. When Sweden is playing Denmark, it is SWE-DEN. The remaining letters, not used, is DEN-MARK.

12. "Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?"

13. In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains containing the last moments of people's lives.

14. We should have a holiday called Space Day, where lights are to be shut off for at least an hour at night to reduce light pollution, so we can see the galaxy.

15. Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

16. Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change.

17. I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the intention of scrolling halfway down the page

18. Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating.

19. Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don’t know what either of those things are.

20. The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was literally a grammar Nazi.


Good ones!

Posted on: 10/4/2015 6:02 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...

Joined:
4/9/2008 12:11 pm
From Wilderness, VA via Hacker Valley, WV
Posts: 14518
A Policeman on his horse says to a little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes" she replied.
"Well, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year", and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the officer and says, "Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"

The officer chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

The little girl responded, "Well, next year tell Santa that the d**k goes under the horse, not on top of it."


Posted on: 10/22/2015 7:53 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2457
The class room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface, like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together.
It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."


The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, Norbert, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes," said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?”

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

Posted on: 10/26/2015 10:17 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2457

Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said;"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."
...


Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.



Posted on: 11/20/2015 4:14 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2457
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Posted on: 11/24/2015 1:32 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Makin' it Rain
Joined:
6/13/2014 10:59 pm
From Eastern WV
Posts: 2963
A Jewish guy walks into a temple, goes straight over to the rabbi, and says: "Rabbi, I've got a problem. I have a son and I did everything that I could to raise him in the faith. I made him come to temple with me on Saturdays. He attended Hebrew school a few days a week after regular school, he had a bar mitzvah, I sent him on a trip to Israel... All this, and yesterday he comes to me and says that he wants to convert and be a christian!"

The rabbi replies: "You know, it's funny that you should come to me about this! I too have a son that I did all I could to raise in the faith. He went to Hebrew school, attended Saturday services, had a bar mitzvah, took trips to Israel... all of it. He too came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a christian."

"Well what did you do?" The man asks.

The rabbi says "I asked God about it."

"Well, what did God say?"

God said: "You know it's funny that you should come to me about this!"

Posted on: 11/28/2015 3:55 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2457
Quote:

BlueShark wrote:
A Jewish guy walks into a temple, goes straight over to the rabbi, and says: "Rabbi, I've got a problem. I have a son and I did everything that I could to raise him in the faith. I made him come to temple with me on Saturdays. He attended Hebrew school a few days a week after regular school, he had a bar mitzvah, I sent him on a trip to Israel... All this, and yesterday he comes to me and says that he wants to convert and be a christian!"

The rabbi replies: "You know, it's funny that you should come to me about this! I too have a son that I did all I could to raise in the faith. He went to Hebrew school, attended Saturday services, had a bar mitzvah, took trips to Israel... all of it. He too came to me and said that he wanted to convert and become a christian."

"Well what did you do?" The man asks.

The rabbi says "I asked God about it."

"Well, what did God say?"

God said: "You know it's funny that you should come to me about this!"


This might be the best joke of the year.

Posted on: 12/2/2015 9:55 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Makin' it Rain
Joined:
6/13/2014 10:59 pm
From Eastern WV
Posts: 2963
A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearst flies open and the coffin falls out then speeds down main street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin ?"

Posted on: 12/7/2015 12:33 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
7/29/2008 4:48 pm
From Deadwood, Lakota Territory
Posts: 8421
"Joe DeForest is one of the best special teams coaches in college football."

Posted on: 12/7/2015 10:42 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2457
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on e-bay) and put it in the center of the yard.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.




Posted on: 12/10/2015 9:00 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Makin' it Rain
Joined:
6/13/2014 10:59 pm
From Eastern WV
Posts: 2963

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Posted on: 12/12/2015 4:03 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
7/8/2008 8:36 pm
From Around
Posts: 8175
LOL

Posted on: 12/13/2015 8:21 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
12/20/2007 9:40 am
From Rockville, MD
Posts: 2457
First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Posted on: 12/14/2015 8:41 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Makin' it Rain
Joined:
6/13/2014 10:59 pm
From Eastern WV
Posts: 2963
LMAO, good one!
_____________________________

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Posted on: 12/15/2015 2:36 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Suspected Punter
Joined:
10/4/2006 10:33 am
From Parsons, WV
Posts: 215
Have there really been no new lame jokes created since December 15, 2015?

Posted on: 4/3/2017 8:24 am
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