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Lame Joke Thread...
Staff Writer
Joined:
5/5/2006 7:24 am
From Elkins
Posts: 1646
We all know one...post your best (or worst) here

I'll start...

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here," and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"


Posted on: 4/17/2007 2:27 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

Posted on: 4/17/2007 2:40 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
2/19/2007 3:02 pm
From St. Albans/Morgantown, WV
Posts: 2358
My brother-in-law told me this one yesterday, we'll see if I get it right...

This man was really wanting a vacation from work. But he did'nt want to request one because he would'nt get paid. So he figured if he acted sick or really stressed out his boss would give him a few days off. He went into work and acted really distracted and wasnt getting any work done. His boss noticed he wasnt acting normal but let it go. The man was frusrated and decided to hang on the ceileing! His boss came in and said " What are you doing!", the man replied, "I'm a lightbulb.", he boss said "ok, man, you're out of it, you're too stressed. How about you just take a couple days off." Well he climed down and was walking out satisfied when his secretary began to follow him out. The boss yelled at her, "Not, you. Where are you going?" She replied, "You don't expect me to work in the dark do you?". She was a blonde.

Posted on: 4/17/2007 3:20 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Suspected Punter
Joined:
10/4/2006 10:33 am
From Parsons, WV
Posts: 207
A pony walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "what will you have?"

The Pony wispers "a beer"

The bartender struggles to hear, "what?"

The Pony replies, "Sorry, I am a little hoarse"

Posted on: 4/17/2007 4:05 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Suspected Punter
Joined:
4/6/2007 5:06 pm
From Preston County, WV
Posts: 173
Tom, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Tom and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Tom says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I'll bet he won't."

Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Tom,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Tom replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it
again."

Posted on: 4/17/2007 6:34 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...

Joined:
7/27/2006 5:02 pm
From Alkol, Lincoln County
Posts: 24346
this would have been more funny 2 weeks ago..

why do you dye easter eggs?

so you can find them in the snow.

Posted on: 4/17/2007 8:04 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

Posted on: 4/17/2007 8:21 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Staff Writer
Joined:
5/5/2006 7:24 am
From Elkins
Posts: 1646
Two guys walk into a bar...you figure the second guy would have been smart enough to duck.

Posted on: 4/17/2007 8:25 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
9/15/2006 8:24 am
From Monrovia MD
Posts: 7686
At the risk of making this a blonde joke forum (Sorry Sierra):

A blonde woman driving a sports car much too fast is pulled over by a blonde female state trooper.

"Let me see your license and registration"

" Gee officer, I have my registration but I seem to have left my license at home"

"Well show me a picture ID."

After rummaging around in her purse and wallet, the driver finds a mirror, looks at it and says, "Yep, that's me!"

She hands the mirror to the state trooper who looks at it and gets very angry.

"If you had just told me you were also a trooper in the first place, I would have let you go right away!"


Posted on: 4/17/2007 9:40 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Suspected Punter
Joined:
2/3/2006 9:17 pm
From Clarksburg, WV
Posts: 247
ok i got one

This guy walks into a bar and sits down in front of the bartender. He orders a drink. While waiting for the drink, he reaches into one pocket and pulls out a 7 inch piano. He reaches into another pocket and pulls out a 10 inch man. The 10 inch man goes up to the piano and promptly starts playing. Beautiful music fills the bar.
The bartender goes up to the guy and asks where he got the musician. The guy replied that there was a genie just down the block who would grant just one wish.
The bartender went outside and down the block. There was a huge crowd around the genie. The bartender waited a really long time. Finally, it was his turn. The genie greeted him, "Hello, I am a genie and I will grant you one wish."
The bartender said, "I want a million bucks." All of a sudden, there were a million ducks! They were quacking and following the bartender. The bartender went back to the bar, went up the the guy with the miniture piano player and said, "What a lousy genie. I asked for a million bucks and got a million ducks!"
The guy at the bar looked at the bartender and said, "You don't really believe that I asked for a 10 inch pianist, do you?"

Posted on: 4/17/2007 9:47 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

Posted on: 4/17/2007 9:53 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Suspected Punter
Joined:
2/3/2006 9:17 pm
From Clarksburg, WV
Posts: 247
What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the Pittsburgh Panthers?
Six more weeks of bad football.

Posted on: 4/17/2007 9:58 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

Posted on: 4/17/2007 11:27 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Posted on: 4/18/2007 2:11 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
2/19/2007 3:02 pm
From St. Albans/Morgantown, WV
Posts: 2358

Posted on: 4/18/2007 12:47 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Grant Ave. Warrior
Joined:
10/27/2006 2:33 pm
From LA
Posts: 1021


Lame Joke

Posted on: 4/18/2007 1:02 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
2/19/2007 3:02 pm
From St. Albans/Morgantown, WV
Posts: 2358
The Landlord
http://sjl.funnyordie.com//v1/landing.php
this is hillarious.

"I need to get my drink on."
lmao

Posted on: 4/18/2007 1:19 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Account_Deleted
This thread is great

Posted on: 4/18/2007 3:24 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
WMITC
Joined:
2/9/2006 10:48 am
From Houston, TX
Posts: 3727
A penguin goes out for a Sunday drive and his car breaks down. Luckily for him there is a garage nearby and he coasts on in.

The mechanic says "I'll take a look at it but it's gonna be awhile."

The penguin says, "That's okay, I see an ice cream stand just down the road and I think I'll go get myself an ice cream cone and enjoy the day."

So he waddles over to the stand and gets himself a big vanilla ice cream cone. It's a little tricky holding on to it with his flippers, and it is a hot day so he gets ice cream all over himself. By the time he's finished his cone, he's back at the garage.

The mechanic looks up from under the hood and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin indignantly replies, "It's vanilla ice cream, buddy. I ain't that kinda guy."

Posted on: 4/18/2007 8:19 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart.

Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"

Posted on: 4/19/2007 7:33 am
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"Son, that's Pitt. You hate Pitt now. You hate Pitt tomorrow. You hate Pitt until the day you die. After that, you will hate Pitt for eternity."
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