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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*ck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

------------------------------------------------------------

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Posted on: 4/23/2007 5:10 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Staff Writer
Joined:
5/5/2006 7:24 am
From Elkins
Posts: 1645
Said the lonely mushroom, "I have no idea why I have no friends. I really am a fungi!"

Posted on: 4/24/2007 1:30 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
7/10/2006 4:34 pm
From Morgantown
Posts: 1239
A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the man at the front counter if he has and duck food. The man replies that he does not have any duck food and sends the duck on his way. The duck comes into the same store the following day and once again asks the man if he has any duck food...and once again the man does not. This goes on for the next few days until finally the man tells the duck that he does not have any duck food and if he comes in asking for it again that he is going to nail his little duck feet to the floor. The following day the duck returns to the hardware store once more and inquires "do you have any nails?"

Posted on: 4/24/2007 2:51 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
Quote:

Mountaineer0711 wrote:
A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the man at the front counter if he has and duck food. The man replies that he does not have any duck food and sends the duck on his way. The duck comes into the same store the following day and once again asks the man if he has any duck food...and once again the man does not. This goes on for the next few days until finally the man tells the duck that he does not have any duck food and if he comes in asking for it again that he is going to nail his little duck feet to the floor. The following day the duck returns to the hardware store once more and inquires "do you have any nails?"


Not that I'm knocking your joke, but I think the end is missing....I heard one something like this...
A duck goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No. This is a bar and we don't sell grapes." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "I told you yeaterday. This is a bar and we don't sell grapes."

The following day, the duck returns and asks,"Got any grapes?" The bartender loses it. He grabs the duck by the neck, and yells, "I already told you twice! This is a bar! I don't have any grapes! If you ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the floor!"

The next day, the duck goes in the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any grapes?"

Posted on: 4/24/2007 5:22 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
Why are wedding dresses white?

So the dishwasher matches the oven and fridge!

...................................................

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

......................................................

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the forest?

.....................................................

John Beilein gets on an elevator with one of his new ball players. John's carrying a little puppy and says to the player,

"What do you think of this puppy? I got him for my wife."

The player says, "Good trade, sir."





sorry...

Posted on: 4/24/2007 5:29 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
7/10/2006 4:34 pm
From Morgantown
Posts: 1239
Quote:

glenna wrote:
Not that I'm knocking your joke, but I think the end is missing....I heard one something like this...
quote]

haha well thanks for finishing it for me at least...I've actually never heard that last line

Posted on: 4/24/2007 7:07 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
2/19/2007 3:02 pm
From St. Albans/Morgantown, WV
Posts: 2358
haha nice Beilein joke Glenna

Posted on: 4/24/2007 8:59 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
9/15/2006 8:24 am
From Monrovia MD
Posts: 7684
The Belein joke is also told as a Republican joke.

Bush gets off Marine One with a swine under each arm. The saluting Marine says, "Nice pigs, sir"

Bush says, "These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks, I got one for Hilary Clinton and the other for Nancy Pelosi."

"Good trade, sir."

Posted on: 4/24/2007 9:40 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
What did the blonde get on the IQ test?
.
Drool
~~~~~~~~
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
.
homeless

Posted on: 4/25/2007 7:54 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Suspected Punter
Joined:
10/4/2006 10:33 am
From Parsons, WV
Posts: 214
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office a complete mess. He yells "I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi."
The psychiatrist says "calm down, you're two tents"

Posted on: 4/25/2007 3:50 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Staff Writer
Joined:
5/5/2006 7:24 am
From Elkins
Posts: 1645
Quote:

glenna wrote:
What did the blonde get on the IQ test?
.
Drool


I will bestow this joke with the highest honor in this thread...


Not sure why, but that one really cracked me up.

Posted on: 4/25/2007 4:37 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Makin' it Rain
Joined:
1/4/2007 4:58 pm
From sunset beach, nc
Posts: 2913
Guy walks into a bar with a big pile of shit in his hand and goes "Hey!...look what I almost stepped in!

Posted on: 4/26/2007 5:50 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
WMITC
Joined:
2/9/2006 10:48 am
From Houston, TX
Posts: 3727
Quote:

majorfan wrote:
Guy walks into a bar with a big pile of shit in his hand and goes "Hey!...look what I almost stepped in!


Must be a long day because this caused me to forcefully eject Mountain Dew all over my keyboard and monitor.

Posted on: 4/26/2007 1:39 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
9/15/2006 8:24 am
From Monrovia MD
Posts: 7684
The best jokes make the Mountain Dew come out your nose. George Carlin says he passed a whole cheese sandwich that way in school.

Try this:

The Blonde was asked "What time is it?"

She answered, "You mean right now?"

Posted on: 4/28/2007 6:00 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
Two cannibals are eating a comedian. One turns to the other and asks "does this taste funny to you?"

Posted on: 5/1/2007 7:25 am
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"Son, that's Pitt. You hate Pitt now. You hate Pitt tomorrow. You hate Pitt until the day you die. After that, you will hate Pitt for eternity."
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:
"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is
bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.
He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

Posted on: 5/1/2007 8:26 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Here for the Beer
Joined:
12/12/2006 10:23 am
From Ashburn, VA
Posts: 422

Posted on: 5/1/2007 9:06 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Makin' it Rain
Joined:
1/4/2007 4:58 pm
From sunset beach, nc
Posts: 2913
The president was approached by one of his advisors in the oval office. "Mr. President..I have some bad news", to which the president replied, "What is it?"
"We have reports that two Brazilians were killed in Iraq today." The president fell back in his chair and dropped his head in his hands and cried,"No, no!! Say it isn't so!! This can't be true!!" The advisor looked a little confused and said, "Well, sir..this IS bad news, but it's really no worse than what's been going on over there every day to this point", to which the president snapped back, "How can you be so insensitive!!..but before you give me any more details..how many is a brazilian?"

Posted on: 5/2/2007 8:57 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
9/15/2006 8:24 am
From Monrovia MD
Posts: 7684
What do they call re-runs of "HEE-HAW" in Kentucky?

Documentaries.

Posted on: 5/3/2007 10:22 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
2/19/2007 3:02 pm
From St. Albans/Morgantown, WV
Posts: 2358
alright I think I'm about to win the thread with this lame joke my teacher told me today...

What do you get when you cross a carrier pigeon with a talking parrot?


-A bird that can ask for directions when he gets lost.

Posted on: 5/3/2007 2:49 pm
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