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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
9/15/2006 8:24 am
From Monrovia MD
Posts: 7688
Back atcha

A guy walks into a bar in rural Tennessee and orders a Long Island Iced Tea.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Y'all aint from round here, are yah?"

"No", replies our hero, "I'm from New Jersey."

"Well, Whut cha y'all do in New Jersey?"

"I'm a taxidermist."

"Whut in the world is a tax-ee-dur-missed?"

"I mount animals."

The bartender extends his hand and hollers at the whole bar, "It's all right, boys, he's one of us."

Posted on: 5/4/2007 6:57 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
2/19/2007 3:02 pm
From St. Albans/Morgantown, WV
Posts: 2358
ewwwwwww lol

Posted on: 5/4/2007 2:42 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
Animals Who Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck," the Rottweiler ate him!"

Posted on: 5/5/2007 9:58 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It`s gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it`s gonna start any second." "That`s it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don`t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don`t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it`s started"

Posted on: 5/5/2007 10:02 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Staff Writer
Joined:
5/5/2006 7:24 am
From Elkins
Posts: 1646
talk about lame and a joke...

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Posted on: 5/5/2007 10:06 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I`m too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver`s side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I`ve never heard before, I`ll let you go." The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

Posted on: 5/5/2007 10:08 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
2/19/2007 3:02 pm
From St. Albans/Morgantown, WV
Posts: 2358
^

Posted on: 5/5/2007 10:09 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Suspected Punter
Joined:
4/6/2007 5:06 pm
From Preston County, WV
Posts: 173
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."



A student teacher started her first day teaching a first grade class. The teacher introduced her and asked her to tell the kids about herself. She started out by saying “I am a Pittsburg Panthers fan. Is anyone else a Pitt fan?” The kids, wanting to be liked by their teacher, all raise their hands, except a little girl named Suzie. The student teacher looked at her and said “What team do you like, Suzie?” Suzie replied, “I am a West Virginia Mountaineers fan.” “Why?” asked the student teacher. Suzie said “My parents are WVU fans.” The student teacher looked at Suzie and said “That doesn’t mean you have to be. If your mother was a moron and your dad was an idiot, then what would you be?” Suzie smiled and said “Then I would be a Pitt fan.”

Posted on: 5/6/2007 4:54 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the Voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Posted on: 5/7/2007 11:15 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
A family of Pitt football supporters head out to do some shopping. The son picks up an WVU jersey and tells his mother he's decided to become a Mountaineer fan and wants this for Christmas. The mother, upset, whacks him on the head and says Go see your father! Off he goes with the WVU jersey in hand to find his dad. Dad? I've decided I'm going to be an WVU fan and want this jersey for Christmas. The father is outraged, whacks his son on the head and says No son of mine will ever be seen in THAT! On they way home the father says I hope you learned something today. The son says Yes, I have. What is it? I've only been a Mountaineer fan for an hour and I already hate you Pitt idiots.

Posted on: 5/9/2007 9:38 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
I know that last one was mine, but that shits funny. sorry...
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Kentucky?
A: They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Posted on: 5/9/2007 9:45 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
4 college alumni were climbing a mountain. A WVU grad, a Louisville grad, a Pitt grad, & a Notre Dame grad. As they climbed they began to fight over who was the most spirited alumni & loved their school more. As they reached the top the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain. As he fell to his doom he shouted "THIS IS FOR THE FIGHTING IRISH!!!" Not wanting to be out done, the Louisville grad then shouted "THIS IS FOR THE MIGHTY CARDS!!!!" and hurled himself off the side of the mountain. Of course not wanting to be outdone the WVU grad shouted " THIS IS FOR THE MOUNTAINEERS" & walked over and pushed the Pitt grad over the side of the mountain!!!!!

Posted on: 5/9/2007 9:54 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
2/19/2007 3:02 pm
From St. Albans/Morgantown, WV
Posts: 2358
I think that last one is my fav joke now lmao.

Posted on: 5/9/2007 2:27 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined:
9/15/2006 8:24 am
From Monrovia MD
Posts: 7688
Young Stanker, a U Maryland computer nerd, took his wife to the doctor's when she complained about a sharp pain in her shoulder. After examining Mrs. Stanker, the doctor came out with a concerned look on his face. "Mr. Stanker, your wife has acute angina."

Says Stanker, " Yeah, Yeah, I know that, but what's wrong with her shoulder?"

*********************************************************


Stanker was off line for a while. He had to get a new monitor. The old one became covered with whiteout.

Posted on: 5/11/2007 8:04 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Maryland, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars. The officer replies, "Ralph Friedgen is depressed, so he stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of sucking every year and the university has cut back on his recruiting budget. We're taking up a collection for him." The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

Posted on: 5/11/2007 8:18 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Grant Ave. Warrior
Joined:
8/11/2006 11:14 pm
From Georgia
Posts: 998
Pittsburgh is good.

Hahahaha, I crack myself up.

=/

Posted on: 5/11/2007 8:19 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
10/19/2006 10:35 am
From Daytona, but my hearts in WV
Posts: 2281
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her
eighties and had

never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to

all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her
and she showed him

into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to
have a seat while she

prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the
young minister

noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with
water,

and in the water floated, of all things, a
condom! When she returned with

tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water

and its strange floater, but soon it got the best
of him and he could no

longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I
wonder if you would tell me

about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I
was walking through

the Park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it

would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know
I haven't had the flu

all winter."

Posted on: 5/13/2007 9:09 am
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
The chief export of Owen Schmitt is pain.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Owen Schmitt.

Owen Schmitt has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Owen Schmitt once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Owen Schmitt accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Owen Schmitt can believe its not butter.

Posted on: 5/13/2007 9:07 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
2/19/2007 3:02 pm
From St. Albans/Morgantown, WV
Posts: 2358
change all of those names to Owen Schmitt, they're funnier lmao.

Posted on: 5/13/2007 9:24 pm
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Re: Lame Joke Thread...
Pitt Hater
Joined:
11/16/2006 1:07 am
From East Aurora, NY via Aurora, WV
Posts: 2530
I did just that...good call

Posted on: 5/13/2007 9:28 pm
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"Son, that's Pitt. You hate Pitt now. You hate Pitt tomorrow. You hate Pitt until the day you die. After that, you will hate Pitt for eternity."
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